8 essentials for the summertime

Normally I post about all of the creeps I encounter but I am going to take a break from that and make a list of things that I think are essential in order to have a fun filled and successful summer. I am saying this while it is almost midnight and I am at home alone on a summer night making blog lists. TAKE MY ADVICE EVERYONE CLEARLY I'M FUN!!!

NOW ONTO THE LIST!

1. Deodorant...with you at all times

This is first on my list because, C'MON. In the summer everyone sweats ALOT and no one wants to be that smelly asshole that no one wants to sit next to on the bus. OH HELL NO. The other day this sweaty dude got on the bus and I swear he smelled like straight up dirty vaginas. It made me feel nauseated and it made the entire ride unpleasant. Also, it's not like I know what a bunch of dirty vaginas smells like BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT! The point is you gotta make sure your pits are smelling fresh even when you can feel sweat in all your crevices the moment you step outside. I really wish there was an antiperspirant for boob sweat, back sweat, and upper lip sweat. SECRET GET ON IT!!!

2. Moments to TREAT YO SELF!

Shit, in summer you get worn the fuck out so you should do what I do and constantly treat yourself to things. Whether you're treating yourself to ice cream or a mani-pedi you just gotta do it. Chances are if you are feeling good then you're going to look good too and you need to look good in the summer for all the potential fuck puppets that are going to come your way. Yes, I said FUCK PUPPETS. DEAL.

3. A good fuck. Dick. SEX.

Yeah, that's right. In the summer everyone just wants to fuck. You can't even deny this fact as crude as it sounds. There is just something about the summer that just makes everyone crazy and everyone just wants to bang each other all the time. It must be the fact that it's hot and people wear a lot less clothing in the summer. Or maybe the fact that it's just sticky outside so sticky like the cum smell that is filled in the air. I think it's key to find that one person that you really enjoy having sex with and hold onto them for the summer. I mean it may be just a meaningless fling but it's better than having a bunch of disappointing hookups through out the summer. Not that, that's happened to me or anything. TEARS.

4. A good bathing suit

It's summer so naturally people want to go to the beach. The problem is that a lot of people don't really invest in a GOOD bathing suit. Sometimes when I go to the beach I just want to poke my eyeballs out. It's the one time of year where everyone that you don't want to see has it all just hanging out. I always look at those people and fear that one day someone is going to think the same thing about me. So that means I barely take off my leggings at the beach. KIDDING. It has taken me a long time to be comfortable at the beach. I do think it is important to find a bathing suit that fits you well and that you look good in. I mean you can easily find a good cheap one at forever 21 or H & M. Just do it. No one wants to feel everyone on the beach is comparing them to a beached whale. YIKES

5. Water

If I have to even elaborate as to why this is important during the summer then you are fucking stupid.

6. SEXXXX

Oh wait, did I say that already???? FUCK! Well I am putting it on the list again BECAUSE MY VAGINA SAYS SO

7. Some kind of work out routine

I know it's super hard to get motivated to work out in the summer. It's hot and the last thing anyone wants to do is go out and sweat on purpose. Even if you stick to something simple it will totally benefit you. Summer is the time to have energy and look and feel good. Exercising helps you achieve those goals and it also makes you feel less guilty when you treat yourself to ice cream 3 times a week or when you go out with your friends and order hot wings, mozzarella sticks, potato skins, chips and dip, chicken fingers, and quesadillas all one in sitting. HAHAHA AKA MY DINNER TONIGHT. So yeah working out is important in summer. It's also an excuse to get in shape to wear scandalous summer clothes AND a good excuse to look good naked just for your fuck partner.

8. Friends

No summer is complete or fun if you can't enjoy it with other people. Summer always reminds me of road trips and car singalongs to my favorite bands with my friends. I love spending nights walking along the lake or having late dinners outside. Summer is what you make of it and I always love including people I care about. It just makes summer go along a lot easier. I MEAN ALSO WHO ARE YOU GOING TO SHARE YOUR SEX STORIES WITH???? Because what's the point of having summer sex if you can't tell anyone about it, right?????

SUMMER!!!