That bitch looks like Brian Urlacher

Happy Easter everyone! In celebration I am going to share my very interesting interaction with some douchebag (since I have had a story in awhile) while waiting for the bus last night. This guy comes up to me last night and asks me when the bus is coming because his phone died. I know anytime someone asks me this after midnight on any night it is going to be an interaction so I tell him not for another 15 minutes. Douchebag just responds with, Oh man I just want to go home. He told me that he went to Bone Thugs and Harmony and told me he could get into any show he wanted VIP. I just told him that was nice hoping he would shut up. He then asked me if I was Indian with which I responded with NO. He asked me what my nationality was and then he immediately asked me if I stayed in a Mexican or Black neighborhood. At this point I just shot him a dirty look and didn't respond. Douchebag laughs and tells me that "he's just messing with me." I told him that it wasn't funny and continued to look on my phone.

After a minute of silence he asks me if he can "take me out" so I just tell him no. Then he asks me if I have a man, which for whatever reason I HATE more than anything. I don't know but I just absolutely hate it. He asks me if my "man" is black and I tell him no. He then asks a bunch of other questions but at this point I am just ignoring him. He then tells me that I should take his number down anyway and that he could change my mind. He told me that if I gave him a chance he would treat me with respect. After another minute of silence he just laughs out loud and tells me he has a girlfriend. I looked at him and said, "why did you just ask out if you have a girlfriend?" He just told me that his girlfriend didn't care. I then asked him why he didn't take his girlfriend to BTAH at the Metro and he just said, "Oh she's at home doing laundry." He then told me that he was tired of his girlfriend but it doesn't matter because he knows that she loves him a lot. I just told him that if his girlfriend loved him a lot he probably shouldn't ask random girls out. He just told me that he doesn't care and that his family is from Iran and that his grandfather has 10 different wives. I couldn't help but get mad because I could not believe how ignorant this dude was being at that moment. I told him that if he felt that way he should probably move over there because American women don't appreciate men going behind their backs and cheating on them with other women. He just said, "nahhh it's not like that I respect women." I just told him it's not respecting women if you're lying to them. His only response was what my girlfriend doesn't know won't hurt her. WHAT AN ASSHOLE.

I must mention that I was waiting for the bus near Berlin so there was a ton of fights, drunk people, and drag queens walking around. He just kept saying he couldn't believe that men would want to dress up like women and looked disgusted. After he told me about his girlfriend I finally said, "That's the great thing about America is that you can be whoever you want to be, you should probably move out of America." He didn't say anything to that but there was someone dressed in drag in a sparkly gold dress and a black wig. He just kept saying, "MAN THAT BITCH LOOKS LIKE A FUCKED UP BRIAN URLACHER." Which is the only interesting thing he said in the entire 20 minutes I had to deal with this asshole.

Finally the bus approaches and I get on a nearly empty bus. I knew that this guy was going to try to sit next to me and sure enough he asked if he could sit next to me. I said yes because over the years I have learned it's just a hell of a lot easier to be nice than it is being a bitch to random assholes who have no fucking clue in life. Anyway he sat down next to me and said that he likes my company. WHAT. THE. FUCK? I guess at 3 a.m. you can't be surprised by anything. The bus takes off and he keeps talking to me but at this point I am checked out because he told me his stop was Ashland so I knew he was getting off before me and I knew that I didn't have to deal with him for much longer. He then catches my attention by saying, "What if I didn't get off at Ashland? Then you would be scared, huh?" Then he just laughs really loud. I just looked at him and said, "I know how to handle myself so don't get any ideas." He just laughs and finally the Ashland stop comes up. He tells me goodbye and get off the bus.

I attract the highest quality of men. HAPPY EASTER TO ME.

Uhhhh ok

This is a short one but a gem I promise.

Yesterday while at work this guy came into my store. I had tried asking him a few questions but he was kind of a weirdo and also kind of a dick. He was looking at some necklaces and asked if he could just buy the pendant without the chain. I said no and showed him a collection of pendants that we sell without the chain and made a comment about how it was a knock off of something else. Like I said he was kind of a dick.

He was then looking at some charms and I asked him who he was buying for, he replied with, "my girlfriend." He then commented and said he wished we had zodiac charms since her birthday was in April. He told me how she was going back home. I asked him where she was going and he just said, "Home to her husband."

How the fuck am I supposed to even react to that bullshit? The only thing I could think to say was, THAT SUCKS. So I said that and he continued on and said, "yeah she also has to go back to her family and kids." WHAT? "I've had her for 3 weeks." WHAT?

I don't know why people feel compelled to tell me crazy shit.

Oh well.

Don't be a dick

7 months ago I started doing stand-up and at the end of the year last year I decided that I wanted to start running my own open mic not only for stand up but for solo sketch because I know there are a ton of people always trying out new solo stuff. A good friend of mine encouraged me to do it and since my independent improv group hosts a show twice a week at a bar in Wrigleyville so I had a space where I could make this happen.

I decided to do it the first Wednesday of the month. Last month went great and everyone that performed was great and everyone was very supportive. That's all I wanted was a fun, successful, and supportive show.

Last night I was worried that no one was going to show up because I was looking at my facebook newsfeed and realized EVERYONE had a show that night. Maybe I should think about switching it to another night. The show started off with only 6 people showing up at first. I know some other people had other open mics to go to so I started the show.

There were 5 people sitting and while I was trying to start the show on stage some dude was on his phone and not even paying attention. I wasn't trying to be a jerk but I pointed it out and he immediately got defensive. I just couldn't help but be annoyed. Seriously bro? There's no one in the audience and the least you could do is be a little supportive and at least pay attention for a couple of minutes. The dude was then being a dick that I had said something about it and then one other person made a comment how it was just an open mic. I totally understand that but when there's not that many people there you could at least pay attention.

Anyway this had me thinking why I had wanted to start my own open mic in the first place. I have gone to a few open mics and it isn't exactly fun. There's usually a TON of dudes and maybe a few women. I know a lot of people have been doing this for awhile so they are not exactly very friendly or even care about anything you have to say. This is a little discouraging and I realize that this kind of shit happens everywhere but I can't help but get very annoyed by this fact. I know that this doesn't apply to ALL male stand-ups but I just feel as a woman I have to work harder to even get a laugh or they immediately don't want to like me because I am a girl or whatever bullshit. Whenever I do stand-up the other women stand-ups are the most supportive, nice, and kind people ever and the ones that run their own showcases have reached out to me to do shows and other fun stuff. It's really cool and I can only hope to try to come off that way.

I understand that maybe I shouldn't have made that comment about that dude being on his phone but he wasn't very nice when he came to the show. I mean for real dude you could at least try to be nice to the person hosting the show. Maybe this is just my take on it but I have also noticed when I go to open mics or see shows and I see a guy doing something and it isn't going well I can see it completely destroy them inside when their jokes aren't hitting. I remember one particular set that didn't go well and then the guy sat through everyone else's set and was loudly making shitty comments throughout everyone's else's set. What a fucking cock. I don't see the same thing  in women but maybe that's because we have to worry about bigger things like maybe potentially carrying a child one day. I mean maybe some of these guys are just having a rough day. Or MAYBE they have just never made a woman cum in their entire life so they just hate all women. Or maybe they are just sad that their set didn't go well and will just go home and listen to Morrisey while masturbating to their own tears. WHO KNOWS. I don't give a fuck I just wish people in general would be a little nicer and supportive towards others when it comes to comedy. It's not that hard.

Moving on, I continued the show and my One Group Mind team wound up coming to the show and watching and some of them tried out some stuff and others just were awesome and watched. A bunch of other people came to the show too and tried out some stuff they have been working on and it was so great. It wound up being a lot of fun for everyone that wound up coming last night (at least I hope so anyway). 

After the show had ended I wound up getting into a discussion with a few people about how some people don't know how to be supportive. I have had this conversation multiple times because being in the comedy scene here in Chicago is very interesting. There are so many people here who are talented and trying stuff out all the time it is amazing and inspiring. However there are plenty of people who aren't supportive of other people or just walk around thinking that they are better than other people. I have heard other people talk about how they're better than some other people or how they can't believe how someone got a part in a show, team, whatever over them. I HATE this with a passion. Who fucking cares who is better and who got a part over you. You should be HAPPY for someone else. I think that everyone should just focus on themselves and not worry about others unless you are going to be supportive. When people say stuff like that I just can't help but think how much they sound like an asshole. Yes, I will say it if you are just going to sit there and talk about how much better you are at comedy in any sense than someone else you are an ASSHOLE.

UGH.

Ok, I need to calm down because I am just getting mad just thinking about it. I understand that I live in a city where hundreds of people are competing for a lot of the same things but at the end of the day we should all just be happy we are even doing this in the first place. I mean come on some of us talk about our vaginas, dicks, or just make shit up on stage. WE ARE PLAYING MAKE BELIEVE. That shit is awesome and it blows my mind all the time. So who cares who had a better "scene". Oh fuck. Anyway I know it happens everywhere but I just don't want to be associated with those kinds of people. Also, being in an improv group that hosts their own shows I have seen it one too many times where people come to do a show and leave immediately right after their set ALL of the time. Now I understand everyone is busy but I have seen plenty of veterans who have been doing this for more than 10 years who come by to play and they introduce themselves, sit in the front row, and are nice and are supportive. I see stuff like that and it makes me happy but I guess that's why they're so successful is because they are nice people.

I could go on and on but I won't all I am saying is that everyone should just be supportive if you haven't gotten that already by my mentioning supportive like 30 times already. I am also not shitting on male stand-ups it was just an observation I have made so far. Maybe I am going to the wrong places to perform but either way if you are doing comedy just be nice. It totally goes a long way and when I see someone who is awesome and nice it makes me want to play with them and see them more. So don't be a dick!

Silly ho

I just want everyone that is reading this to know that it is currently 1:13 a.m. on a Wednesday night and I am sitting in front of my computer listening to TLC's FANMAIL on Spotify. FUCKING THROWBACK Y'ALL! I totally owned this CD when I was 11 and before I hit puberty. Oh memories. Also, I can't believe my mom let me own that CD because they do in fact have a song on the album called, "Silly Ho." Good times!

Anyway moving on to the point of this post, sorry my mind tends to wander and get super ADD this late at night when I am sitting in front of my computer.

Wait....what was I saying? OH RIGHT the purpose of this post which probably isn't that entertaining anyway but I am writing about it anyway.

Last night I was doing my usual thing for waiting for the bus when this guy standing next to me pulls out his headphones, looks at me, points to Berlin and says, "Is that a gay club?" I just laugh and say, yes. He looked confused and kind of disgusted at the same time. He then said something along the lines of how it was weird because he would never see something like that in his country. Since I am a curious person I asked where he was from and I couldn't really understand him when he said the city but I did hear him say that it was somewhere in Eastern Asia.

At this point I just laughed and said this is nothing, it is only Tuesday on the weekends it gets crazy there. He looked confused and disgusted again. He asked me if there were any lesbian bars and I told him I didn't know but I am pretty sure most gay bars are also just lesbian bars. I pointed towards Halsted and told him how the whole street was filled with nothing but bars like that. He continued to look disgusted and I said there's nothing wrong with it and that gay people are no different than anyone else. I guess coming from a country where people aren't allowed to be open about how they are as people it would be kind of weird seeing a bunch of tall buff men parading around in glittery spandex leggings, crop-tops, fake eyelashes, and sporting cleavage that I could only wish for most days.

This guy then told me about a guy that comes into his work (who apparently is gay) and talks to him all the time and asks him to hang out. He asked for my advice and asked me what he should do. I guess the guy that asked him to hang out wouldn't stop asking him out even though he had said no. He then told me how this guy kept texting him. I asked him if he gave him his phone number and he said yes but hey I can't blame the guy I don't know how many times I have given my phone number to some dude just because I felt bad and didn't want to hurt their feelings even though I was totally not interested at all. Gee, I am such a great person.

Ahhh so the bus comes and we both get on and he asks me if he could sit next to me. Since I am such a great, nice, awesome, fantastic, amazing person I said yes and also I didn't want to be rude. He talked to me a little bit more. I learned that he worked at Phillys Best on Clark and Belmont AND the one in Evanston and that he moved here to study English. He is studying English at some school in Skokie. The conversation finally died and I didn't make any attempt to talk anymore because I was tired and I couldn't believe I even talked to him that much anyway. I didn't feel like he was a creep or anything either he just seemed like he wanted to talk to someone since he is obviously new to this country. Late night conversations with strangers are always the most interesting.

Oh yeah DON'T PULL OUT ON ME YET!

Just another Saturday night on Clark Street.

This past Saturday night I was out and about and these are all real things that happened while I walked to my bus stop from Clark and Addison to Clark and Belmont.


Some dude coming up to me and asking me how do I like my eggs and then asking if I liked them scrambled or fertilized. I immediately responded with, "get the fuck out of here."

Then some other dude called me mini-me. First off no short person likes being called mini-me nor is that a way to get someone's attention. Also, not the first time I've heard mini-me. Be original dude and seriously get the fuck out of here.

Oh and I saw some dude purposefully knock over a Chicago Tribune newspaper holder and then saw an undercover cop go after him. I'm glad they're keeping an eye out for the serious crimes on clark street. I guess that's why no one was trying to break up that fight in front exedus II because they were busy taking care of real shit like knocked over newspaper stands.

Wrigleyville you're killing it!

PENS

So last week this lady came into my store to look at pens. Now normally this would be fine except she took a whole half hour to look at them. She took every single color that we had and looked at herself in the mirror holding all the different colors. She then kept asking me what color I thought best suited her. After all that she left without buying a pen and I was kind of annoyed.

Tonight the same lady came back into our store to look at our pens. I made a comment about she came back and she responded with, "oh I'm not buying anything tonight."

She then took another 15 minutes looking at them in the mirror again and this time she made me hold each pen to see how they looked on another person. Pens. PENS! This bitch took this long to look at some fucking pens. If she had to take this long to even THINK about what pen she wanted to buy I don't even want to think about jhhow long it takes her everyday to try to decide whether or not she has to take a shit. BAH. ANYWAY she mentioned how she needed to go another pen store so I told her to go to the other pen store and if she was still thinking about our pens then her decision was made for her.

She answered with, "I know I've been thinking about them all week. Just thinking about them makes me happy."
Then she left without saying anything else. I like my job and all but sometimes the people that come in there make me want to stab out my eyeball with a butter knife.

Is everyone out here racist?

If you couldn't tell I am going to try my best to actually update this blog because even after 4 years I still witness and encounter a lot of crazy people and people tell me all the time that I should blog about it, so here I am trying to start this shit up again.


Anywho, about a month ago I was waiting for the bus on Wednesday night around midnight. Out of nowhere I hear this guy say, "is everyone out here racist?"

I was very confused why this dude was saying this and was even more confused when I realized that he was talking to me.

He must have seen the confusion on my face and then he repeated himself, "is everyone out here racist?"
I responded with, "I am sorry I have no idea what you're talking about."
Random dude responded with, "It just seems like people out here don't like black people." Just in case you were wondering yes he was black. I looked around me to see if anyone was hearing our conversation because there were about 20 other people waiting around this bus stop. Sure enough I could tell that some people were listening to our conversation as it only got more interesting.

He then looked at me and said, "Is you married?" I said. "no." He then asked, "Is you single?" Lying I responded with a no again. THEN he asked, "Is you taken?"

At this point I just wanted to scream, "MOTHERFUCKER IS YOU SERIOUS????"

I don't know if I was more annoyed at the fact that he was stupid or the fact that he was just fucking stupid.

He said a few other things and I couldn't really understand him so I told him that I didn't understand anything he was saying and I think he could finally tell that I was annoyed. He looked at me and said, "Uhhhhh alright I'll leave you alone but you don't have a sister or a cousin that you could hook me up with??"

I didn't say anything else because I was blown away by what a huge idiot this dude was and how he was even talking to me in the first place because I was wearing a huge fur hood and you could only see some of my face.

I really wish I had a tattoo of a dick or something on my neck so that later if I did buy into his poor attempt at a pick up line that he would regret it and think of a more creative and more intelligent way to pick up women.